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Safety

Playing safely

Kindling is built so that either of you can slow down, skip or stop at any moment. Here’s how that works, and what to do if a night brings up more than a game can hold.

A game, not therapy

Kindling is a card game. It can start good conversations, but it isn’t counseling, therapy or medical advice, and it can’t fix a relationship that’s hurting. If you’re struggling, together or on your own, a qualified counselor or therapist can help in ways a card can’t.

Consent means you both actually want to, right now. The game is built around that:

  • Ground rules first. Before the first card, each of you agrees separately that you’re both 21 or older, and that either of you can pass any card or stop at any time.
  • Pass anything. Every card has a Pass button. No penalty, and no reason needed.
  • Blind check-ins. At the end of each level, you each choose privately, “I’m in” or “Not yet”. You only move up if you both say yes, and the game never shows who said not yet. Starting above the first level runs the same check-in.
  • A limit you set in advance. Choose a level to stop after before you start, and switch off whole topics for tonight, like kissing, touch, family or past relationships.
  • Pause, always. Pause is on every game screen. From there you can cool down to an earlier level, change the lighting, or end the night.

Outside the cards, the same rules apply. A yes to one card isn’t a yes to the next. A yes from earlier in the night can change. Either of you can stop at any time, and stopping never needs an explanation.

Pause words

A pause word is a word you agree on that means “stop now, no questions asked”. Pick something you wouldn’t say by accident; “pineapple” is a classic. When you reach the later levels, Kindling asks you to agree on one out loud.

When either of you says it, or taps Pause: stop, check in with each other, and only carry on if you both want to. Saying the word is never an overreaction, and hearing it is never a rejection. It’s the system working.

Stopping at any level is a complete night

There’s no score and no finish line. A night that stays at the first level, laughing at silly questions, is a good night. So is one that ends halfway through a level because you got talking about something that mattered. The levels are there to choose from, not to complete.

When feelings come up

Questions about family, the past or what you need can bring up more than you expected. That’s normal, and it’s not a sign anything went wrong. If it happens:

  • Pause the game. The cards will wait.
  • Ask what would help: some space, a hug, a glass of water, or a change of subject.
  • Listen rather than fix. “Thank you for telling me” is often enough.
  • You don’t have to solve it tonight. Agree to come back to it, and do.
  • If the same thing keeps coming up, consider talking to a counselor, together or on your own.

Alcohol and other substances

A drink can help you relax. But only play the later levels when you’re both sober enough to mean your yes. If either of you is drunk or high, stay at the talking levels, or call it a night and play another time.

If you’re not safe

If a partner is hurting, controlling or frightening you, or pressuring you into anything sexual, it isn’t your fault, and help is available. These services are free and confidential.

If you’re in immediate danger, call your local emergency number.

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